Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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