The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Houston, we have a squirter
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Still dying that you shit outside
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
