if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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