she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
