So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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