'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
