How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
