we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
