bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
