it wasn't lemon gatorade
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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