Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
