I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
