Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
