My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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