Nicole vs. Life
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize