sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
