4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I need water and some morals
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
