we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
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