am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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