My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
