I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
