I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
