After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
