I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
