I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
