I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
