he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
