The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
