What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
