so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
