My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
