im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
