i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Someone shit on the floor
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
