im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
