he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
