he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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