I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
