just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
