i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Is Oprah even human
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
