guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
