i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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