I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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