ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
