Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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