i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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