Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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