Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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