On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
