Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
