Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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