Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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