Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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