I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
