I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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