So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
