Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
