Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
How's work?
Spinning.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
