i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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