Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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