so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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