So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
