I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
