so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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